Grief's Voice

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I am grief. I am small, scared, tucked away. Not small in feelings, but small because I feel powerless, because I’m so scared of what I might lose.

I’m a small animal - like a hedgehog, vulnerable but prickly. I’m in hibernation, curled up into a sphere, my body wound tightly like the shell of a snail. I am terrified to move. I hide away, clinging to these precious bits of her fiercely. The world no longer feels safe anymore.

I gather all my comforts around me, pulling in leaves and down and fur and bits of grass, hoping they will protect me. Knowing that they can’t. Knowing that I can’t stay here forever.

I’m afraid to breathe. Afraid that every bit of movement or change means that something will be lost. If I stay here forever, can I keep her forever? If I stay here forever, can she stay here with me?

I can’t endure the noise of the outside world, the light that seeps through the cracks. It is too much. It is a place I don’t belong, a place that will never feel right.

I don’t know how to live. So I don’t.

Every once in a while I move - to attend to a gnawing hunger, to take a stretch, maybe even to poke my head out and feel the sun. But every time I am startled - how do things feel so different, yet they look the same? How can I possibly do anything “normal” right now? How does even taking a bite to eat feel like a step toward losing her?

Sometimes I hope it will stay winter forever. That spring will never come, that I will never have reason to leave.

And then I wonder: Who will take care of me? Can the forest continue to sustain me? Can my friends continue to deliver nuts and berries outside of my door? Will they forget me, tire of me, grow weary of my hibernation, of this wintering, of this place where I feel I must hide forever?

I’m so tired. I long to rest, but I can’t sleep. I’m so lonely, yet I can’t bear to be part of the world, to risk being misunderstood and overlooked, to risk losing everything.

I am grief. I am terrified. Scared to emerge, and also scared that I will feel this way forever. Frozen. Broken. Unsure. Waiting.

Waiting until I am sure she is safe with me. Knowing that now is too soon. And so I stay hidden away, gathering the pieces of her around me, guarding what is mine, protecting what the world can never understand.

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